Chapter Seventy-Five – New Year, New Me. Mostly.

I’m back! Did you miss me? Cause I know I missed you.

First things first, I am convinced that some of you are struggling from some form of memory deficit the way you forget things. A good remedy would be to drink more water, read more books and actually use your mind. Seriously. There are people using a calculator to add five plus four and Chat GPT to tell the days of the week. You will forget your last name by the time you’re 50.

Anyway, I digress and I am also quite excited to recap the activities of last year. Why yes, indeed! Last year was very eventful.

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Yay! I was an emotional wreck. It was nasty. I realized I might like Boateng. I started talking to Alex. Sly returned into the equation. I had to choose between an old flame and my best friend. I chose my best friend. He so graciously showed me that I was a fool.

Lara was also an emotional wreck but for entirely different reasons. She started having panic attacks and then her parents returned after cutting her off. Fun! She started going for Bible Study with Kwame which was going well.

Kwame, the former demon is now effectively a man of God and actually doing a good job at it. But that’s the thing, you know. The devil is always waiting around the corner to pounce again. It was not me that said so. Jesus did and Jesus never lies.

Just for the heathens who don’t read their Bible, he said the devil moves about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. The question then is, can Kwame withstand this lion?

Ordinarily I would say no and then laugh in the face of anyone who disagreed but if last semester was anything to go by, life has a funny way of shaking you about till your stomach is where your brain should be. So, who the hell knows?

Mara started a business and Lara joined in as a business partner. Between you and me, I think that business is very likely to fail and Mara and Lara’s friendship along with it. But hey, who am I to say? Over the vacation, Mara so lovingly informed me, that ever since Boateng served me breakfast with a tall glass of milk, I’ve become a very pessimistic person. So, never mind that I’m speaking from common sense and an understanding of the human psyche.

Carl, last year, fully launched his music career which took off pretty quickly. Poor Angela. He’d tried speaking to her every chance he got but she wasn’t in the right emotional headspace which was also doing Carl in. But more on that later.

Now we are done with the recap for the forgetful readers. It is time to delve into the new year and new season. I know what you’re probably thinking. “Araba, you didn’t tell us about Boateng”. To that I ask you, “why would I?”

That boy doesn’t exist to me anymore. He remains an object of my past. Some kind of sleep paralysis demon that has evaporated into the abyss. That scheming scumbag is nothing more than a plot filler to me.

Mostly.

Moving on.

A new year is a new chance to start afresh. All the mistakes of the last year no longer apply. Of course, that is not true for all those who got pregnant last year. That child is following you into the new year and beyond.

I digress.

Given that this is a new year, it is a chance for me to write a new story on the blank pages of time. My New Year’s resolutions are simple.

One, stay away from men. They are the weapon fashioned against you. They will call you on a random Saturday morning, saying with their deep morning voice, “hey babe. Aren’t you bored? Let’s go for a ride and then have brunch at that restaurant you like”. You, a foolish and naïve girl; thinking that all previous warnings were bitter women ranting, will then say, “oh babe. How considerate of you, let’s go.”

Then foolishly, instead of doing your laundry for the week ahead, you wear your cute sundress and bathe yourself in shear butter, dousing yourself in that expensive perfume you only use for special occasions. You will hear him honk, you’ll rush out of your house, nearly tripping on the front door steps. Don’t lose me here. Pay close attention.

You sit in the passenger seat. To set the tone, he put on some RnB – the Weeknd and his compatriots – instead of his usual rap music that sounds like he’s fighting someone. The journey begins and you’re ecstatic. After a while of useless chit-chatter that will add absolutely no value to your life, mind you, you start scroll on your phone so you’re distracted.

You didn’t see when and how but the next thing you know, you are in the desert. “Babe, what are we doing here?” you ask stupidly, instead of trying to reach the police. Or better still, bashing him across the head, dumping the body and driving away.

He smiles and tells you not to worry. You comply. “He’ll never do me dirty” you say to yourself like the gyimi that you are. When he asks you to step out, you do; thinking that there may be some oasis you’re coming to.

The moment both feet sink into the sand, he speeds off, blowing dust into your eyes and ruining your dress.

That is when you discover, that a man will leave you in the desert with no water.

*

Oh, forgive me! I forgot that I’m not supposed to be pessimistic. So, can we pretend that for a millennia and more, men have not been wicked? Thank you, pookie.

I was talking about my New Year’s resolutions.

Two, be a more present friend. What can I say? When you have a man on your mind, you forget to use the rest of it. Last year, I was the world’s worst friend after Sly left me. Lara was having panic attacks and I didn’t even know. With her parents reappearing, it’s imperative that I show up for her.

With the impending demise of her business with Mara, it is also important that I am there for the both of them. Sorry, pessimism again.

Three, improve my grades. With all the juicy drama going on, it’s hard to remember that I’m a student, right? It almost seems like the university serves as a mere backdrop for me to talk on and on. But no. I’m actually a student who needs to graduate. It’s a wonder I am still here, really. Anyway, I saw my first D last year.

I can tell you factually that nursing a broken heart and seeing shitty grades are not a good combination. The only upside to it all is that at least I cried myself into those pair of jeans that weren’t fitting. Who knew crying was so effective for weight loss?

Finally, I don’t think any of you have got to know my family besides my mother and my sister. Which is really shocking on my part seeing as I’m a family-oriented person. So, this year, my last resolution will be to include my family more in these my excellent narrations. Aren’t you thrilled? If you think you love me, you’ll love my siblings more.

Speeding on ahead, let us now dive into the tea for the semester.

Are you ready?