I Forgive Myself

I might die tomorrow but I forgive myself today.

We stacked ourselves like sardines for the night, and as I laid there, I thought. I had done this same routine every night since I got here because I was never sure if that night would be my last. Each day, we slept in fear and didn’t wake up any better because we were never sure if the next day was our last.

So many of us were gone and yet so many of us remained. Dead men walking. Daily, names would be called and if yours was on the list, you would be marched to your death. There was no mercy, there was no forgiveness. We weren’t asked what we would like to eat or who we might like to see. Our loved ones were never given a chance to say goodbye. We were just sent and slaughtered like goats. I suppose we all deserved it.

I had witnessed a few executions. There was no kindness. You would be shot severally and if you weren’t dead yet, you would be stabbed until you were. The images of that scene had stayed with me and at night I would go to bed wondering if that would be me the next day. The fear of what was to come was a far worse punishment than the death itself but these people knew this and they experienced great joy from the knowledge of it.

I know I deserve this but I feel sorry for myself nonetheless. I never expected to be. None of us did.

As was my ritual, after thinking of what might come tomorrow, I cast my mind back to what was yesterday.

The woman I loved was named Maria but we all called her Yaa Baby. Times were hard in Ghana but I had a business mind. I started a chain of stores that was doing fairly well. I was a young man with good money and that meant that all the ladies wanted me. I was never a womanizer. I was far too driven and ambitious for that.

I met Yaa Baby through my work because she came on board as my secretary. She was excellent at her job and everything she did was amazing to me. I know it’s a cliché; a man falling for his secretary but things were different with Yaa Baby. We were friends first before anything else and she mattered to me more than life itself. I loved everything about her. I loved that she was soft spoken and how she would cry “Robert” any time I teased her.

She was so smart but then there had been no money at home to allow her to go to the university. I myself had never been and since I had the means to pay for her to go, I did. My friends said I was a fool and that the moment she was done; she would leave me for another man. They didn’t understand the bond we shared. Yaa Baby loved me.

Sure enough, she completed university and contrary to what they said, we were married.

Her family was from a very poor village in Kumasi and it bothered her so much to see the suffering in which they lived. By this time, I was a household name as one of the most successful Ghanaians. It was not befitting that my in-laws should be living in abject poverty and so I built them a new house and I took Yaa Baby’s younger siblings through school.

I loved her family like it was my own and they loved me very much too. It was surely a delightful feeling knowing that I was loved and revered like that.

In time, our relationship blossomed and soon we were expecting a daughter. I adored that girl more than words could say. She was my life and the moment she was born, everything that I did was for her.

I think back now and it was so surreal. I didn’t believe that I could be unhappy. Life was perfect until it was not.

Yaa Baby had stopped working and she was mostly home. I took a trip out of town for some business and I returned a day earlier than I planned. I didn’t give Yaa a heads up that I was coming home because I wanted to surprise her.

She wasn’t home and our 6-year-old was home alone with the help. I asked where she was and the maid was hesitant. I gave her a stiff look and she told me.

The whole drive there, I knew I was going to discover something that would rock my world. I wish I hadn’t gone that day but curiosity got the better of me. She was there with another man. I didn’t know who this man was, only that he was handsome and strong.

I later discovered that he was very popular in her community and the affair had been going on for as long as we were together. My daughter wasn’t even my own. I was angry. Furious. I was so hurt because I loved Yaa Baby too much. I would do any and everything for her and yet she had betrayed me for the last 10 years. She had looked into my eyes and lied to me. She slept in my bed and took me for a fool.

Though I was angry, I was still in love. So, I did what any man would do. I brought her home and forced her to stay there. The day we spoke she cried like a baby. Her nose was running and she swore that it wouldn’t happen again. Though I was shaking with rage I held her as she cried.

I knew that I would forgive her with time but I needed her to stay at home and away from that man. It wasn’t like I kept her in a prison. She had everything she needed but I needed her to stay home so that I could trust her again.

Yaa Baby was weak. Her flesh went ahead of her. The houseboy came looking for me to tell me that some man was at the house and Yaa Baby was packing her bags to leave. I rushed over there. I demanded that he leave and he refused. He thought himself a big man because of his height and stature. He carried her bags one after the other into the taxi at the front of the house. All my cries and pleas to Yaa Baby went unheeded. She said she was in love with this other man and she had to go. I would not have it.

I went in and brought out my gun. The man tried to act brave and swore he wasn’t scared of the gun. I fired one shot into the air to show him that I was serious and he still would not budge. I grabbed a hold of the last bag and we struggled for it. Yaa Baby came to mitigate and pulled the bag from my hand. She was about to turn and walk out with him when I grabbed her hand and begged her to stay.

She was in tears now and I could see that she was unsure of herself. The man charged at me and demanded that I let her go. It was a struggle between us three and then I heard a loud bang. It was so loud, it was deafening, and for a moment, I couldn’t tell where it had come from and then I saw Yaa Baby fall to the ground, blood flowing from her chest.

I threw the gun away and rushed to her side.

It was an accident but no one believed that it was. They said I was angry and that because I didn’t want Yaa Baby to leave, I decided to kill her. They accused me of locking her in the house against her will and keeping her prisoner. There was no defense for me and the trial was decided before it began. The police wanted to make an example of me, that rich men cannot get away with their crimes. Rich borga sentenced to death by firing squad.

I’ve been here more than 10 years and when I arrived, I hated myself. I took in the terrible food and hard labor in good faith because I believed I deserved it. I had allowed my emotions to get the better of me and now I had killed the woman that I loved. Yes, she may have made a few mistakes but she was a good woman and she loved me. She was only confused. I had left my only child fatherless. She may not have been born from my sperm but she was my daughter and I loved her.

Missionaries would often come to visit and I gave my life to Christ. After replaying the events that transpired, I would say the same prayer each night: “Lord please forgive me for killing Yaa Baby.” The preachers had told us that we need only ask for forgiveness once but I had asked each night for the last ten years because even if God had forgiven me, I had not forgiven myself.

Tonight was different. I added another thing to my nightly ritual. I decided to let go. I decided that I had never meant to do what I did and life was what it was. People break things on accident and they forgive themselves because they hadn’t planned to do it. My offence was far greater but I had never intended to cause it. It was a mistake and men make mistakes.

Tonight, I forgive myself for killing Yaa Baby.