Oh God, Save Me From Myself

This was probably the thirtieth time I was telling myself I would never do this again. It was also most probably the thirtieth time I was doing it. Oh God, save me from myself!

I was a wide-eyed girl fresh out of the university with no idea how the corporate world worked. Just like that I was thrust into the workforce and forced to learn my way around. It was frightening, scary and yet exciting and I was determined to make a name for myself. You know, be the woman that made it without having to suck up to any man – better still suck any man, if you know what I mean.

I don’t think I’m a bad person. I really am not. I know every villain says that but I mean it.

I had been struggling to figure out the head or tail of filing my own taxes when I run into a dark-skinned man, about 6-feet tall. He offered to help me with my taxes and in exchange I’d help him figure out how to run his social media.

It wasn’t the fact that he was almost 8 inches taller than me that excited me. Neither was it the fact that he was the most handsome man in the office. What attracted me to him was his charming personality. It was the way he greeted me cheerfully when I walked into the office and asked me how my day was going like he was genuinely interested in finding out. He had the most infectious smile and the way he laughed put everyone in a good mood.

The first time I knew that I might actually be in love with this man, I was stranded in the office on a rainy day. It was pouring heavily and there was no way I’d make it to the bus stop before getting completely soaked.

“Hi, graduate” he greeted (because that was what he called me). He stood towering over my desk and the fragrance of his cologne was overpowering. I just wanted to bury my head into his chest and smell him all day – or at least till the rain stopped.

He offered me a ride home and I accepted willingly. The way he pressed the unlock button on his brand-new BMW did things to me that I can’t explain; it wasn’t something sexual but I felt things. When he started the car, Gotye started to play. No one I knew even knew who Gotye was and yet here he was, a man probably heading towards thirty-seven, playing one of the greatest heartbreak songs ever written. Song after song, I felt like this was my person. He loved each song every bit as much as I did and by the time, we reached my tiny apartment I was literally begging him to come in for a drink.

He gave me his jacket to protect myself as we ran through the rain into the apartment building. His shirt was soaked through and so he took it off to dry it. He wasn’t the most fit guy but he was still attractive. The plan was for us to talk for a while till his shirt dried and he could head home. Next thing we knew, his shirt wasn’t the only clothing off, and we were staring at the ceiling wondering what had just happened. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. Then he turned me to himself and said “I think I like you graduate”.

My biggest problem at the time had been the fact that this man was fourteen years older than me. That was not the kind of romantic relationship I had in mind. After that night, it didn’t really matter anymore. He was an accountant; he was mature and he was exactly the type of guy my mother asked me to bring home. He was so sweet that it was never awkward seeing him in the office after that. If anything, we were closer now. He would send the cutest texts and bring me the nicest little things.

Two weeks after my first lapse in judgement, we were all talking in the office about an upcoming dinner. I was so excited the conversation had started because I was hoping he would ask me to be his date. “Fred, are you bringing wifee” the annoying guy from human resources asked. Time seemed to stand still and I wished and prayed that it was not my Fred who answered. Alas, if wishes were horses, poor men would ride. I had just slept with a married man and father of one!

How? Why? How?

I couldn’t hide the look of pain in my eyes when I looked at him and he couldn’t even look me in the eye.

This should be the part where I say I stopped seeing him and that I wasn’t a homewrecker. That would be a lie. I thought I wouldn’t see him again, but he came apologizing in the big way that cheating scoundrels always do. He promised me that it only happened because he and his wife are separated and he hadn’t really made it official yet for the sake of their 5-year-old. Like the fool that I am, I believed it.

One time turned into two, and two into three until eventually I had lost count. By now I saw him as my boyfriend but to the rest of the world he was still a married man. I think that’s how I was able to live with myself – I would tell myself that he would be leaving his wife soon anyway and it wasn’t my fault.

After a year, it became abundantly clear to me that he and his wife would not be divorcing anytime soon. My name was saved as ‘cleaner’ on his phone and he would often blow me off to spend time with the wife he was supposed to be separated from. At first, I thought the pictures he posted of them having family time together was just a cover so no one would know how miserable their soon to end marriage was, but after seeing the same type of pictures numerous times, it was obvious it wasn’t a lie. He wasn’t lying to the world; he was lying to me.

It's really funny how things changed from me waiting for him to leave his wife to me begging him to leave his wife. I know I should have left him when I realized that he was not mine and would never be. Believe me I tried. I tried deleting his number and ignoring him at work but every time I slept, I saw him in my dreams. He was driving our children to work; we were taking the same type of pictures he took with his wife and we wore matching clothes to Sunday service.

It really didn’t help that he would not let me go. At this point he wasn’t even trying to lie about leaving his wife. He admitted he wasn’t going to but he still wanted me. As a skilled manipulator, he knew that by this time I was in love and him needing me was all I needed to hear.

In the movies, mistresses are made to look like terrible predators who chase after people’s husbands and don’t rest till they’ve stolen them away. I promise I wasn’t like that. All I knew was that I loved this man and he said he loved me too and that was all that mattered. There’s something that makes this easier when you’ve not met the other woman.

I’m sitting here thinking how I got here. Oh God, please save me from myself. This is someone else’s man. This is someone’s father. This is someone’s son-in-law and brother-in-law. I know I’m wrong. I know I’m selfish but I can’t stop myself. I can’t hold back.

Even now, I want to see him again. Even now, I know tomorrow I’m going to see him again and beg him to leave her. I know I’m going to keep being the bad person in the story.

Oh God, save me from myself!