She Loved Him So Much It Made Her Hate Herself

She loved him so much it made her hate herself.

Ten years ago, they had ended things and she hadn’t been expecting him to resurface but there he was, at her front door on a hot afternoon wearing red and an expectant look on his face.

She hadn’t been expecting her old feelings from ten years ago to return but there they were, hanging over her like a stormy cloud. Even though she knew that they parted ways bitterly, none of that mattered anymore. All she felt was that she had lost something and finally had it back; never mind that she was a married woman with two children.

Patrick was a good husband – a faithful husband and a romantic one to boot but he was not him.

Her phone buzzed and her heart skipped a beat as feelings of fear, regret and excitement were mixed into one. She picked a phone to read the text from David telling her that he was ready and waiting at the hotel. She could hear the sound of Patrick brushing his teeth.

“Babe, I’m leaving for the work retreat now” she called while zipping up her bag.

“Oh sure. Wait, let me say bye” he replied running out of the bathroom to give her a kiss. His breathe smelled like fresh mint, the same smell as the toothpaste they had been using for the past 15 years.

He carried her bag down to the car. Her heart fell as she watched him go and the weight of everything she was about to do made her feel so heavy. She felt like she might crumble under it all. Somehow, her feet managed to make their way one after the other to the children’s room. They were both fast asleep. She gave them both pecks and took in the image of their faces. She memorized their rounded cheeks and tiny lips and small frames.

It was all so real – this beautiful family she had – this beautiful family she was throwing away.

Now readers understand something, these decisions are never easy. No mother wants to hurt her children and no woman wants to hurt a good man but sometimes you just can’t deny your heart. It’s like your heart places itself in two positions and you’re bound to hurt one half while serving the other. Because here Rebecca was, if she stayed, she knew she would be most unhappy. Every single day of her life she would long to be with David. Sure, he had cheated on her. Sure, he had broken her heart several times before leaving town but love was love and she still loved David. She hated herself for it but what could she really do? If she chose to leave, it would break her heart too. Patrick was a good man and he’d been good to her since the first day they went on a blind date together. She would miss her children and think of them every single day. There was no easy choice.

As she passed the hallway, she saw the reflection of her face in the hallway mirror. She had subconsciously taken to the habit of looking at herself each time she passed. Looking at herself, she saw the broken 25-year-old who was coerced by her friends to go out with this friendly guy from her sister’s office. It was just a month after David had mysteriously vanished from town.

She hated to be that girl but she had ended up sharing how David had hurt her badly. Patrick wasn’t mad about it and instead offered a shoulder to cry on. Ever since that awkward first date, he had shown up consistently. Over the past fifteen years together, he had proved that it wasn’t an act. He loved her and offered her stability.

Mind you, Rebecca wasn’t grieving because she loved Patrick. She didn’t. She loved the stability he offered her and she respected him. That had been enough to take them through all these years of marriage and two children. But the moment David showed up, those things weren’t enough anymore.

Two days after David had arrived in town from God knows where, he asked her to come over to his hotel. She knew she shouldn’t have responded to the text but she did anyway and as she drove there; she knew she was making a terrible mistake.

She told Patrick that she was visiting her friend, Rita. When she lied to him, she should have known that it was a bad idea to go but she was burning with desire and nothing could stop her; not even her younger self begging her not to reopen old wounds. What was supposed to be a night of talking ended up in what I’d rather not say.

She drove home and lied to her husband’s face and felt no regret. Sometimes as people, we realize a mistake we’ve made but at the same time, we realize we intend to keep making that mistake. We hate ourselves for being so weak but then we do it all the same. On and on, the endless cycle of doing the wrong thing and hating ourselves but doing it again continues. We act like we want to be saved but we don’t. We enjoy the pleasure and pain of punishing ourselves by doing what we want. This is where Rebecca found herself.

Five solid years of this cycle. Her heart had grown dark from carrying the burden of these sins. Numerous in number, they had piled up and arranged themselves perfectly on her head – symbols of her weakness and carnality. Each day she walked home and looked into that blasted hallway mirror; she saw her face change ever so slightly.

She had started to develop grey hair and her eyes were sunken. Her skin had an extra glow but her eyes had lost their spark. She could have imagined her cheeks to be higher up and livelier but here they looked like a deflated football.

As she looked in the mirror today, she noticed a wrinkle appearing on her forehead. Her sins were saying “look here! Here is an adulteress and a liar. Here is a fool who’s choosing a good for nothing over a good man. He has no job, no money and no prospects but there she goes”.

As she got out, Patrick had loaded the suitcase into the car and gave her one final kiss goodbye. “See you in three days” he said cheerfully. For a moment she saw a look flush across his face. It was a pleading look. It was the kind of look that said “I know about the affair. I’ve known all along. Today, I know you might not return but please for your sake and mine, come back”. He smiled a weak smile and opened the car door for her.

As she got into the car, she caught a glimpse of herself in the side mirror and quickly looked away. She had promised to protect her children. When they were born, she took a vow in her heart to love them till her last breath, yet here she was.

She could see Patrick standing on the road watching her go from the rear-view mirror. She watched as his frame grew smaller and smaller till she couldn’t see him anymore. Her eyes clouded with tears that she quickly cleared away.

Like I said, it’s hard for a mother and a wife to do this but it’s still possible. One would have to be extremely selfish to pull this off. Suffice to say that Rebecca measured up to the right amount of selfish.

David was waiting for her at the entrance to the hotel with his briefcase. There wasn’t much inside but he was going to live off her income like he had done for the past five years.

They smiled at each other as they kissed. They held hands as she drove some five hours out of town. They would be on the other side of the country soon and their life together would begin. After six months, she would send divorce papers to David, hopefully he would have found a good woman for himself and the children.

They pulled into a rundown motel for the night.

David threw himself onto the bed without so much as a goodnight. Rebecca walked to the bathroom. She took an unreasonably long time washing her hands as though it would wash away her sins. As she looked in the mirror, she could not identify who she was. She could hear his snores and as she looked at him, she was angry.

She loved him so much it made her hate herself.